Grief is my frenemy
It's true; grief is my frenemy. I'm sure you know about frenemies: someone you totally dislike but have to get along with so your life isn't a complete wreck. Yep, that's me and grief! For a while, I thought grief was just my enemy, but over the years, I realized it's more complex than I thought. And these days, I have some level of respect for grief; thus, the frenemy dynamic.
If you're struggling in your dynamic with grief, I totally get it! It took me a while, and it's definitely not perfect. Our relationship with grief can change, but that isn't something you have to figure out alone. Connect with me for personalized coaching on how to navigate your relationship with grief.
What is a frenemy?
A frenemy is someone you act friendly towards even though you rival and dislike them. I think of frenemies as two opposing and strong forces that can join together, like a cop working with a criminal to solve a big case.
On the surface, grief and I are fundamentally different. Being human is all about living, while grief is all about dying. Despite our fundamental differences, I actually do have moments of friendliness toward grief now. I know, it's weird!
Living with a frenemy
So you may wonder, "why would anyone want grief as a frenemy?" Great question! The simple answer is no one does! But being human guarantees we will have grief. You get to decide if grief is your frenemy or straight-up enemy.
For me, it all goes back to that cop and robber example. I can dislike grief AND be friendly to it. Being friendly to grief is about moving toward my loss instead of avoiding it. That means crying when I need to, talking about my family, and slowing down on hard days. I can do all those "friendly to my grief" things while hating that my loved ones are dead, and I have to feel this grief at all.
Making a frenemy work for you
Is there any upside to having grief as a frenemy? Think about it this way, we all want to avoid our enemies BUT show off for our frenemies.
Practically speaking, there was no avoiding grief after losing three family members within 13 months. So, I took the frenemy route and started showing off to my frenemy, grief. After all, healthy competition helps us perform our best, right? So I started giving my life the best performance I had to offer.
I have to tell you, I'm feeling so emotional as I write this because real real real talk: there were a lot of days I didn't care about living. Good thing I'm so competitive.
The Bottom Line
Allowing your view of grief to shift from enemy to frenemy is a power move! These days I respect grief and what it has to say.
That may not seem possible for you right now, and that's okay! It took me a while too. But it’s not impossible. I can help you make this shift with your grief; you don't have to do it alone!
