Scary Things People Say To Grievers

Recently, on my social media, I asked my followers what some of the scary things they heard from others while grieving were. The responses were genuinely wild and upsetting. Even though I know firsthand some of the terrible things people say to grievers, I still get shocked and upset every time I hear someone's experience. 

My reason for creating a safe space to share these hurtful and scary comments is twofold. First, I hope grief supporters are watching and educating themselves on what not to say! Most importantly, I want grievers to have an outlet, acknowledge their experience, and find support. 

If you're reading this blog, you've had some scary, hurtful, wild things said to you during your grief. I want to help you feel empowered to respond to these comments, but first, let's acknowledge your experience! I want to say that I am so sorry, and I genuinely hate that someone was so unkind to you during some of the most challenging moments of your life! I feel your pain and remember that "slap in the face feeling" when hurtful words are said. I hope it never happens to you again, but if it does, I want you to be ready. Keep reading to empower yourself for your response. 

Scary Comments From Someone Random

When I advise grievers on how to respond to scary comments, I encourage them to think about the relationship with the person who is making the comments. If it's someone random or you're not close with, my best advice is to shut it down! When we are grieving, we have limited energy and emotional tolerance. I'm sure you've noticed that grief takes up so much space! The last thing I want is for you to use your precious, limited energy to educate someone random about grief etiquette. 

At the reception after my dad's funeral, some random guy pulled me aside to talk to me. I instantly felt annoyed. I had a room full of special people I wanted to see and hug, but I felt trapped in a corner with Mr. Random. I didn't know this person or how he knew my family, yet he felt confident enough to tell me that I should move back in with my mom since my dad died. 

I was beyond pissed. How dare he tell me how to live my life?! He should only be saying how sorry he is for our loss. But no, he went on and on about how he knew this was what I needed to do; it was the right thing to do, and I'd regret it if I didn't follow his terrible advice.

At that moment, I knew two things: this guy was nuts, and I wanted to escape. So I think I said, "Thanks for coming," then walked away. I knew that random guy wasn't worth my time or emotions. I shut it down. He had no right to talk to me so boldly about my situation; he was inappropriate and rude. 

Regrettably, in my professional experience, I've observed that this is a common occurrence. Something about grief seems to embolden random individuals to overstep their boundaries. It's a shared experience; if you find yourself in a similar situation, remember you're not alone. You don't owe these people an explanation. 

So, who are these people I’m talking about?

By random, I mean people who aren't close to you or your family, people you don't know well, or people who suddenly show up when something tragic happens. This could be co-workers, neighbors, friends who have fallen out of touch, and even family with whom you aren't close. 

By acting scary, I mean saying hurtful things, like "It's time to move on." Or asking inappropriate questions, like "How did she die?" Or giving you unsolicited advice on your situation, as I experienced. 

You don't have to explain your grief or your decisions to anyone. I advise my clients to do what I did and walk away when possible. When walking away isn’t possible, say something direct. Something like, "I don't feel comfortable talking about my grief with you," usually helps shut it down.

Scary Comments From A Loved One Or Other Important Person

What do you do when hurtful comments come from someone you love and want support from? My best advice is to focus on communicating your needs instead of what they are 'doing wrong.' It's important to express your needs, even with loved ones, to ensure you get the support you deserve. 

In the early days of my grief, I was understandably overwhelmed with sadness. I knew it was okay to be sad, and I always felt better when people accepted my feelings. It was a true gift when someone allowed me to express my grief in their presence. Your grief is valid, and you have every right to express it!

I know it takes a special person to do this for another, and I was lucky to have many people who were willing to witness my grief. However, one friend wasn't as comfortable with the sad feelings. I knew it wasn't personal; she had always been avoidant of her own and other's sadness. But I started to feel annoyed when she would call me and try to be positive when I just needed her to let me feel sad. I felt like she was trying to cheer me up, but it was pissing me off. 

After several awkward phone calls, I told my partner that I didn't think our friendship would survive my grief. Then he rightly pointed out that I should tell her what I needed instead of being internally mad the entire call. He was totally right! I realized I hadn't done a good job telling her what I needed and should give her another chance. 

So, the next time I was sad, I did something brave. I called my avoidant friend when I was upset and told her I felt miserable and needed to cry. I asked if she'd be open to listening, and she said yes. She did a great job supporting me. It was clear she wanted to help me once she knew how. I left that call feeling so loved!

Takeaway

The next time you’re dealing with scary comments about your grief, it's essential to prioritize your well-being, whether it's with random individuals or loved ones. Remember that you have the right to protect your emotional space with random people and communicate your needs to your loved ones. If you're seeking more tips on handling complicated interactions while grieving, connect with me for more resources and support. Empowering yourself with proactive steps can truly make a big difference in your journey through grief.